De Dominic Tomassetti (2)

My shadow strides behind my back

I don’t walk in the streets hoping to meet you again

I no longer heat the room

I cramp in the cold

lights off

without any reason to do so

I am fearless now

All I knew has been blown away

I transcross the streets

so no one will surprise me

walking down the same way

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In this part of the poem I find two parts that stop me or slow down my reading – the contraction don’t for do not - and perfectly all right to use but how does the sense work for you?

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“I don’t walk in the streets hoping to meet you again”

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The sentence may be overlong or thirteen syllables. Compare eight and seven before and after this sentence and three syllables at most in the lines of the first part of your poem. I think you should be building your lines up to longer lines more slowly, the poem will read quicker just as your early efforts. There is no real rule here. It is something that you must decide is saying what you have on your mind. Again, if “don’t” is the word here then I would avoid repeating “don’t” in the third line below. My rule is not to use any single word too often in a poem or at least so close together. Does that make sense to you?

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How about writing it like this –

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[I no longer walk the streets hoping to meet you]

I no longer heat the room

I cramp in the cold

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The word “again” is redundant and unnecessary because you no longer walk for that reason, and “in the” can be cut. The whole is shorter only by one syllable but seems to make a difference, nor does it affect your personal style.

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We come to line number six in this stanza: “without any reason to do so” I suggest dropping “to do so” because you really don’t need to say the, “without any reason” is sufficient. Then we come to “transcross” which I believe, Marge mentioned before. It is not a common English word and has an unfamiliar sound to it. I am only making suggestions. Do you have or can you get a copy of (English copy) The New Roget’s Thesaurus in Dictionary Form in Brazil or a similar thesaurus?

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In Roget’s the adverb is transverse. But I don’t think that is what you appear to be saying. It has criss-cross and recross as verbs etc.

So, let’s look:

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My shadow strides behind my back

I no longer walk the streets hoping to meet you

I no longer heat the room

I cramp in the cold

lights off

without any reason

I am fearless now

All I knew has been blown away

I [cross] the streets

[To avoid surprise]

[On the same path]

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I would suggest you work this last part out. Of course I don’t know how you would say it in Portuguese. In English it is too cumbersome for poetry. Thereza, if you are anything you are a poet of the right word. Think of three things, exact meaning, the connotation and the music. Your last three lines need the music of poetry and then this part is finished as far as I can tell.

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so no one will surprise me

walking down the same way

[To avoid surprise]

[On the same path]

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3 July 2000

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Your heart peeps in silence

beating slowly while the afternoon lingers

as we don’t expect anything to happen in half an hour

Whatever happens will be new

And whatever remains will have survived

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The word peeps was brought to your attention by Marge and I have to agree. It is not the right word. Try “moves” in silence. You may try an analogous word for the heart – waits? Heaves would seem like heavy breathing! Pumps sounds more like fire trucks! Drop “as” from the text. That is all you need to do here.

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Your heart [ ] in silence

beating slowly while the afternoon lingers

we don’t expect anything to happen in half an hour

Whatever happens will be new

And whatever remains will have survived

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I must get some sleep it is late. I will send part of this off to you soon.

3 July 2000