Lilases
sexta-feira, 20 de abril de 2012
Lilases
domingo, 13 de junho de 2010
22 Eu caminho ao teu lado | I walk beside you
NOTES ABOUT THE TRANSLATION, by Dominic Tomassetti
Lilacs
impersonal
transfigured
memoryless
cast aside
forgotten
Roots moving inside the earth
under the summer rain
No winter can take
the seeds away from its bosom
They’ll stay motionless
waiting for the spring
*
This is perfect. I think it should stay as it is. Every word in each line builds one-upon-another to the climax of spring. Anyone familiar with The Waste Land will understand your references from the death of Phlebas by Eliot to your allusion to the lilacs awaiting birth in spring, which I take to mean a rebirth of a person cast aside also. That may be reading too much into your lines but I believe it hints toward that direction.
3 July 2000
De Dominic Tomassetti (2)
My shadow strides behind my back
I don’t walk in the streets hoping to meet you again
I no longer heat the room
I cramp in the cold
lights off
without any reason to do so
I am fearless now
All I knew has been blown away
I transcross the streets
so no one will surprise me
walking down the same way
*
In this part of the poem I find two parts that stop me or slow down my reading – the contraction don’t for do not - and perfectly all right to use but how does the sense work for you?
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“I don’t walk in the streets hoping to meet you again”
*
The sentence may be overlong or thirteen syllables. Compare eight and seven before and after this sentence and three syllables at most in the lines of the first part of your poem. I think you should be building your lines up to longer lines more slowly, the poem will read quicker just as your early efforts. There is no real rule here. It is something that you must decide is saying what you have on your mind. Again, if “don’t” is the word here then I would avoid repeating “don’t” in the third line below. My rule is not to use any single word too often in a poem or at least so close together. Does that make sense to you?
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How about writing it like this –
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[I no longer walk the streets hoping to meet you]
I no longer heat the room
I cramp in the cold
*
The word “again” is redundant and unnecessary because you no longer walk for that reason, and “in the” can be cut. The whole is shorter only by one syllable but seems to make a difference, nor does it affect your personal style.
*
We come to line number six in this stanza: “without any reason to do so” I suggest dropping “to do so” because you really don’t need to say the, “without any reason” is sufficient. Then we come to “transcross” which I believe, Marge mentioned before. It is not a common English word and has an unfamiliar sound to it. I am only making suggestions. Do you have or can you get a copy of (English copy) The New Roget’s Thesaurus in Dictionary Form in Brazil or a similar thesaurus?
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In Roget’s the adverb is transverse. But I don’t think that is what you appear to be saying. It has criss-cross and recross as verbs etc.
So, let’s look:
*
My shadow strides behind my back
I no longer walk the streets hoping to meet you
I no longer heat the room
I cramp in the cold
lights off
without any reason
I am fearless now
All I knew has been blown away
I [cross] the streets
[To avoid surprise]
[On the same path]
*
I would suggest you work this last part out. Of course I don’t know how you would say it in Portuguese. In English it is too cumbersome for poetry. Thereza, if you are anything you are a poet of the right word. Think of three things, exact meaning, the connotation and the music. Your last three lines need the music of poetry and then this part is finished as far as I can tell.
*
so no one will surprise me
walking down the same way
[To avoid surprise]
[On the same path]
*
3 July 2000
*
Your heart peeps in silence
beating slowly while the afternoon lingers
as we don’t expect anything to happen in half an hour
Whatever happens will be new
And whatever remains will have survived
*
The word peeps was brought to your attention by Marge and I have to agree. It is not the right word. Try “moves” in silence. You may try an analogous word for the heart – waits? Heaves would seem like heavy breathing! Pumps sounds more like fire trucks! Drop “as” from the text. That is all you need to do here.
*
Your heart [ ] in silence
beating slowly while the afternoon lingers
we don’t expect anything to happen in half an hour
Whatever happens will be new
And whatever remains will have survived
*
I must get some sleep it is late. I will send part of this off to you soon.
3 July 2000
De Dominic Tomassetti (3)
The pearls were your eyes, see
how they slide on the humid cloth
Every time you see me
will be as first
Nothing compares to this moment
Nothing will ever be the same
*
You should fear death by water
The water comes and takes you
You’ll see your body dissolve
and you’ll be part of the ocean
watering so many flowers
carelessly filling so many pots
You should fear the water
as your fifth element
The enemy inside of you
*
Multitudes walk in circle
and I feel easy as I see you by the window
looking at them as they go by
Everything moves under our unbelieving eyes
as our faces were molded
by the salt of the ebb tide
You look different now
Like a stranger
before death masks
*
Multitudes walk in [circle]
Multitudes walk in circles
*
In the American language circle should read “circles” – going round and round.
Next, using “by” twice one word is right above the other and the lines would probably read better as
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and I feel easy as I see you [by] the window
looking at them as they go [by]
*
and I feel easy as I see you near the window
looking at them as they go by
*
4 July 2000
De Dominic Tomassetti (4)
City
what reality could create you
in your dead mother’s open
womb?
The city lying under the blazing sun
under the mist of transformation
Metalinguistic metamorphosis
A hell of dust and resentment
*
I think this is good. I am wondering about the placement of womb alone like the word City. If you are emphasizing the word it works OK. It reads well and has much in power relating a city with that of a dead mother’s womb and the blazing sun.
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I understand that the free verse (vers libre) style of writing can be both an easy and a difficult way of writing, yet we must always be conscious of the form we use. Everything must appear consistent throughout because a sudden departure may call more attention to the form than is needed.
4 July 2000
De Dominic Tomassetti (5)
They played chess
as the broken pieces were laid
on the board
The queen called on the king
[and]the nightingale flew [singing]
through the [open] desert
She leaned over him
and whispered in his ear:
“Listen, dearest
Be my friend and I’ll be your slave.”
The silence [flung] backwards
and the shadows hid under the marble seats
[Steps groveled] and bore the dead with them
All has been done and nothing is known
The words melted again
crossing crisp[ing] glances
and [searching] moving hands
under the immovable mantle
*
I think you should drop a few words here to avoid wordiness yet still be simple and direct. Also clarity – who are “They” who played chess? The king and queen? And who whispered into the king’s ear, the queen or the nightingale? These may be apparent to you the writer but the reader needs a bit more explanation. Desert is usually understood to be barren, wide open space. Avoid the redundant (repetitive) word. The silence flew backwards would be better usage.
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“Steps groveled and bore the dead with them” – at first it might seem right to say that steps grovel but in reality, they do not. How would you say this differently? Figures of speech are imaginative expressions but they should be pleasing to the sense or they will not work. A simile or metaphor that is too vague fails. Percy Bysshe Shelley, the great English poet wrote, “Like an embodied joy whose race is just begun.” As Jane Shaw Whitfield pointed out in her book The Poet’s Manual and Rhyming Dictionary [Thomas Y. Crowell & Co, NY 1965], “What is an embodied joy? What kind of race could possibly be meant?
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crossing crisp[ing] glances
and [searching] moving hands
under the immovable mantle
This last part is a bit too cryptic. It is hard to understand.
crossing crisp[ing] glances
and [searching] moving hands
[searched] under the immovable mantle
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You could also leave out crisp or crisping altogether here.
4 July 2000